....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just had sex on a roof
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
