i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
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