she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
