You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
