Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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