I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
