yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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