headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
