im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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