That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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