I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Houston, we have a squirter
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
