Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
