My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
