you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
