We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
