Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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