I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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