My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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