Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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