i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
