Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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