Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
