i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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