my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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