You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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