go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
