Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
