real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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