Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
