People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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