you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
