Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
