Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
