Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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