Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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