Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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