I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
