I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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