I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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