There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
