the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
