Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
