....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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