I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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