wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
