He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
