dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
