I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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