I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
