she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
