My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
