Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
