Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
