she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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