You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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