THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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