happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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