Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
