i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You ruined the universe
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