So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
