he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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