Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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