Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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