I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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