Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
